I, the Teenager

I am just a teenager and asking me to be calm is like asking the tiger not to roar. It just won’t happen. Not that I can’t be calm, I just don’t like being calm. Being calm is so grown up and I don’t want to be grown up. The calmest person I know is so old that just having a cup of tea is an effort for him. So what’s the big deal in his being calm, heck if he wasn’t being clam he would tire himself flat out within an hour of getting up. But I do wonder if he was just as calm when he was my age. I think not.

It not that teenagers can’t be calm, a friend of mine is calm person. Almost infuriatingly calm and guess what, she does seem better off for it. That’s what really gets me. She never gets involved in the bitching and the fights and all that emotional rona dhona that is such a routine part of my day. She manages to always find a spot where she can be on her own and watch all the fun. Mind you, it’s not that she a loner, she just manages not to get involved. She is a part of us and yet not be a part of us at the same time. How she does that I don’t know.

Mom and Dad keep telling me I need to be calm and I keep telling them to chill. I think both are asking the other to do exactly the same thing. I see my dad fly off the handle when I am being difficult but if only he chills a bit then I won’t have to be so difficult all the time. It the same with Mom. It’s just that she spouts instead of flying off the handle and to tell you the truth I dread that as much I dread Dad going ballistic. I keep telling myself that I will stop being difficult but its very difficult not to be difficult if you are scared of something all the time. Most of the time I am so scared of not doing the wrong thing that I end up doing just that. I know that fear and calm don’t mix at all. If one is in the room than the other is out of the window. Unfortunately, fear rarely leaves my room. I wish it did, than I think I won’t have much trouble being calm

I keep thinking all the time. It seems it’s impossible for me not to be thinking of something or the other. I keep thinking of what someone said or something someone did and I just can’t seem to be able to put things to rest. I get so tired of thinking that I end up doing the most deadend things just to keep my mind off thinking. Like watching the same sitcom the hundredth time or listening to the same music the thousandth time or reading Harry Potter for the millionth time. By the way I wish my dad knew why I did these dead end things. I don’t do these things because I like doing them, I do these things so I don’t end up having to think. It’s my escape mechanism. I really think that if I can stop thinking all the time I will end up being calm.

I worry a lot too. I worry about things that are important to me. They may seem silly things to be worried about but to me they are not silly, they are real. Mom and Dad keep telling me I don’t worry enough about the future. My teachers tell me the same thing. Oh Boy, are they all wrong or what? I worry about the future. The point is I don’t know what my future is and I do worry about that but I worry about the present more. I can see the present and its not making much sense to me. I think its okay to worry more about things that you can see than things you can’t see. I think it’s quite simple really.

Another thing that is big with me right now is what I call the fish in the bowl syndrome. I feel like one. Its like I am been watched all the time, being judged all the time. Its very distressing having eyes on you all the time. Watching and judging, watching and judging, tick tok, tick tok, relentlessly. And that to many many eyes and all sorts of eyes. Mom’s, dad’s, their mom’s and their dad’s, teacher’s, neighbour’s, random stranger’s but worst of all my friend’s and all the people I rather not be watched by. With so many eyes watching and judging can you imagine how difficult simple things can get. Simple things like how am I looking at any moment, or what am I saying, or what am I wearing. That’s why having the right kind of phone in my hands is a big thing with me right now. If no one was watching I rather not have a phone at all. I don’t get it why Dad and Mom don’t get such a simple thing.

So finally here is my take on why I am not a calm person. I am being watched and judged all the time and that worries me a lot. When I worry I get restless. When I am restless it means I am thinking. And when am thinking its usually about who is watching me and how are they judging me.

Is this what they mean when they tell you, 'Dude, stop chasing your own tail????????'